Full House Scripts

Episode 1 Our Very First Show

In the front room

Let's go, Mom. Your bags are in the cab, the meter's running.
Claire Tanner:
The baby's sleeping like a baby. Oh, my angels. Oh, I'm going to miss you.
Danny: Honey, Grandma's gotta go.
Claire Tanner: My little sweetheart, I'm just gonna miss you so.
Grandma's really gotta go. Oh, boy, does Grandma gotta go.
Claire Tanner:
Oh, you know, Danny. Danny, I don't have to go back home.
D.J. & Stephanie:
Danny: Uh, Mom, this isn't how we rehearsed this last night. Let's take a little walk, okay? Now, you know, as well as I do that...Mom...look....it's time to go home. You've been taking care of us ever since Pamela died. I don't know how we'd have made it the past three months without you. But, Dad needs you too. You remember Dad, don't you? Your husband? Kind of balding and glasses. Wears his boxer shorts up around his neck. Mom, I got everything under control. Help is moving in today.
Claire Tanner: Well, if you need me, I'm on the next plane.
Danny: Thank you, Mom.
Claire Tanner: Okay.
D.J.& Stephanie: Bye, Grandma.
Danny: Bye, mom.
Claire Tanner: Bye.
D.J. & Stephanie: Bye.
Claire Tanner: Oh, my angels! I love you. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Stephanie: Goodbye, grandma.
Claire Tanner: Bye. Bye.
DJ & Stephanie: Bye, grandma.
Danny: Bye.

Okay! Are we gonna have fun, or what? Hey, hey, hey! Let's see some smiles. Everything is gonna work out super great. Your uncle Jesse's moving in. My best friend Joey is moving in. And you know what? That means you two are gonna get to be roommates. Isn't that exciting?
Stephanie: I can wear all D.J.'s clothes!
D.J.: Do I have to share my room with her?
Danny: Honey, it's gonna be just like having a slumber party.
D.J.: Yeah, with only one guest who never leaves!
Jesse: Hey, hey, look alive! Uncle Jesse's here!
D.J. & Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: Uncle Jesse! All right! Hello! D.J., how you doing? That tooth come in yet?
D.J.: Nah.
Jesse: That's okay. One less to brush.
Danny: Hey, Jesse, you missed breakfast. Where have you been?
Jesse: I'm sorry. Last night after my gig at the Smash Club...I go for a cruise on my Harley, right? Next thing I know, I'm in Reno . It was dark, who would've known? Then, I happened to wander into this show, Razzle Dazzle '87. Much better than Razzle Dazzle '86, by the way. And I see this incredible showgirl, Vanessa, right? Our eyes meet. Ba-boom! This lightning bolt of passion shoots across the casino. Turns out, Vanessa's on her way to the Philippines to do a Bob Hope special...and is dying for one last night of good old American -
Danny: Food, food! She was—She was hungry, right?
Jesse: Oh yeah. She was starving. Only we never got a chance to, uh, "eat,"...because she had to turn her feathers in.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, let's play ballerina.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't wanna play ballerina.
Stephanie: Yes, he does...
Jesse: No, he doesn't...
Stephanie: Yes, he does...
Jesse: No, he doesn't!
Stephanie: Yes, he does.
Jesse: How do you play ballerina?
Stephanie: Dance!
Jesse: Okay, that was fun.
Stephanie: Here's more fun. Catch me. Pose!
Jesse: Pose, okay.
Stephanie: Turn around.
Jesse: All right.
Stephanie: On your tippytoes.
Jesse: Tippytoes, right.
Stephanie: You need practice. We'll do this every day.
D.J.: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, gang.
Danny: Oh, Joey, buddy, this is the best; your moving in!
Joey: Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes. Jesse, long time no see. Now be honest. Did you ever think we'd end up being roommates?
Jesse: Not once.
Joey: I love this guy. Danny, there's no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny.
Danny: Joey, this is not a tiny room. This is a large alcove. In fact, this is a large alcove that you're living in for free.
Joey: You know, now that I take a close look at it, it's enormous... enormous... enormous... We are gonna have so much fun. Aren't we, kids?
D.J.: Think we could catch Grandma at the airport?

Jesse's new room
Danny: Nice, huh? Roomy. Not overly masculine?
Jesse: Oh golly, it's swell. You know what would look great by the window? Barbie's Dream House.
Danny: We've got one. Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and Joey here...really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody's here who cares about the girls. You know, they're so happy you're here. Oh, God bless you!
Jesse: You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.
Danny: I'm sorry. I'm an emotional guy.
Jesse: It's all right.
Danny: Okay, let's face it. I'm a lean, mean, hugging machine.
Jesse: Okay. Danny, listen...Pam was my big sister. And I loved her very much. And I love your kids. And I'm happy to do what I can. Aah, you're hugging me again. Now listen; you and me, we'll sit down. We'll set aside a special time for hugging. But not now. Oh, great. I live in Webster's room.

n D.J. & Stephanie's new bedroom
D.J.: Rule number one: Never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule number two: Never set foot in my half of the room.
Stephanie: How do I get out of here?
D.J.: Easy. You jump out the window and climb down the tree.
Stephanie: I don't think so.
D.J.: Suit yourself.
Stephanie: I'll find a way out.
Danny: Stephanie, what are you doing?
Stephanie: Just hanging around.
Danny: Come on, honey, get down from there.
Joey: All right!
Limbo. Dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... no way.
D.J.: This is a nightmare.
Danny: Uh, D.J., honey, I told you. Everything is gonna work out super great. I'm sorry, I've gotta get down to the station. Try to watch my sports report this afternoon. Today starts my special two-part series entitled: "Boxers : Highly Skilled Athletes or Bullies in Shorts?"
Stephanie: Can I have a piggyback ride?
Danny: Sure, honey. Hop on. All right. Now, the baby's schedule is on the refrigerator. You guys can handle this?
Jesse & Joey : Sure.
Jesse: We'll take care of the kid.
Stephanie: Told you I'd find a way out.

In Michelle's room
Joey: Oh, Michelle, little baby-waby. What's the matter? Uncle Jesse, what are we gonna do?
Jesse: First, we stop talking like a munchkin. Hey, shut up!
Joey: Wait, I'll handle this. I'm a comic. It's my nonpaying job to cheer people up. Uh, hi, Michelle. It's me, Kermit the Frog. Now, you don't want to cry, do you? Hi, it's me, Pee-Wee Herman. Do you wanna go to my playhouse? Wait. She'll love it. I call it, "The Sprinkler." Tough room. Jesse, what if she needs to be... uh... changed?
Jesse: Check it out. Go.
Joey: We have a winner. Now what?
Jesse: Joseph, put yourself in her place. What would you want done?
Joey: I've never changed a diaper.
Jesse: Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out; I'll show you how it's done. Come here, child. You believe this guy? All right, make yourself useful.
Joey: I'll take the south end.
Jesse: Good. Watch out.
Joey: Okay.
Joey & Jesse: Step one, step two, step one, step two. Step one, step two, step one, step two.
Jesse: Okay, good. Look out. Okay, keep her coming.
Stephanie: Showtime!

n the kitchen
Where do we put the baby?
Jesse: Where do we put the child?
Joey: Uh, the pot. Over here.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Joey, this is a living thing. You don't just stick it in a pot. Use a meat rack.
Joey: I'm an idiot.
Jesse: Uh, come on.
Joey: Okay.
Jesse: All right. Good.
Joey: All right. Great.
Jesse: Settle down here. There we go.
Stephanie: Are you gonna cook Michelle?
Joey: We're changing her diaper.
Stephanie: Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?
Jesse: Steph, Joey and I are busy. Joey, strip her. All right. Careful, there. You're in control. All right. Slide it off and... ugh! Good thinking, Joey. Keep it fresh.
Joey: Okay, hold her up; I'll clean her off.
Jesse: Good idea. Come on, Michelle. All right. You're missing, you're missing! You're missing! All right come on. Gently now, gently now, gently. There we go. This is great. We should be mothers.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: All right, just dry her up.
Joey: Okay, fan her. Fan her fanny.
Jesse & Joey: Fan her fanny.
Joey: You know, these babies have it made. I would kill for this kind of service.
Jesse: All right, diapers.
Joey: Diapers, diapers.
Jesse: Where are the diapers?
Joey: Diapers...
Jesse: Diapers...
Joey: Hey, superabsorbent.
Jesse: Bring it over. Okay, now what?
Joey: Okay, spin her.
Jesse: Spin her.
Joey: Spin her.
Jesse: Spin her. All right, now, we'll wrap her up in this. Come on. Put her right in here. It's too easy.
Joey: Works for me.
Jesse: You spill some juice on the counter?
Joey: Just wipe it up with Baby Tidy Bottom.
Stephanie: Not bad, but next time try these.
Jesse: Steph, why did you wait till now to give us the diapers?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.

In the front room
Danny: Hey guys, how'd it go today with -? Whoa! What happened? What's with all the dirty baby clothes?
Joey: I'm sorry, but every time we fed her, she'd drool or dribble or spit up.
Jesse: Your baby's a pig.
Vanessa: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Vanessa. Have mercy. I thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines with Bob Hope.
Vanessa: Oh, well, I am, but the airport's fogged in. So, is that offer to stay with you anytime still good?
Jesse: Oh, it's more than good. It's... uh... amazing!
Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse. Ready for more ballerina?
Jesse: Uh... we'll play it later, okay?
Stephanie: Okay. It's later! Catch me! Pose!
Jesse: Pose! Listen; why don't you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister.
Stephanie: I can't. She moved out.
Danny: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean, "She moved out"?
Stephanie: She's gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.
Danny: Okay. Everybody follow me.

In D.J.'s bedroom
Danny: You lost my daughter? I went to work for seven hours, and you lost 33 percent of my children? Joey, call the police. Jesse, search the neighborhood. I'm gonna call up D.J.'s friends.
Stephanie: And I'll go get D.J.
Danny: Stephanie, honey.
Stephanie: Yes, daddy?
Danny: Sweetheart, do you know where D.J. is?
Stephanie: Uh-huh.
Danny: Why didn't you say something sooner?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.

In the garage
Danny: D.J., can I talk to you?
D.J.: Kimmy, hang on. I'm talking to Kimmy Gibbler. She called me on her own phone from her own room. She has three sisters.
Danny: D.J., you don't wanna live in the garage. It's filthy, it's stuffy--
D.J.: You want some fresh air?
Danny: Donna Jo, I want you back inside right now, this instant. Is that okay?
D.J.: No, thank you, Dad. So, Kimmy, where were we?
Jesse: Nice job, Dad. Been reading Cosby's book?
Joey: Cosby? I'll handle this. Hello there, small childlike person. Mmha... ha... ha... If you move back into the house, you can have a big, juicy bowl of Jello-O. Mmha... ha... ha... ha... ha... ha.
D.J.: No, Kimmy, that's not really him. I'll call you later.
Stephanie: Daddy, the baby's crying. She's got that thirsty look in her eyes.
Danny: Okay, honey. I'll be right up. Joey, would you mind warming up the baby's bottle?
Joey: Well, not at all. Although, with this particular baby...it might be simpler just to pour the formula directly into the diaper. Well, think about it.
Jesse: All right, D.J.'s all set and I got Vanessa'
upstairs waiting...so best of luck to both of you.
Danny: No, look, Jesse, look; I gotta check on the baby. Won't you stay here and talk to D.J.? I'll be right back. You're her uncle. Try to be parental or something.
Jesse: Parental? That's cool. I can be parental. I got parents.
D.J.: Can I help you?
Jesse: Yes. You can move your little bod back in the house. Look, D.J., I don't blame you for wanting your own room...but you gotta understand this world is not a perfect place. Bruce Willis has a record deal. But then a Vanessa shows up and it all evens out. You know what I'm saying?
D.J.: Yeah.
Jesse: Good. So you'll move back in?
D.J.: No.
Jesse: No! All right. I'll speak the language you understand. Five bucks if you move back in.
D.J.: Fifty.
Jesse: Ten.
D.J.: Forty-nine.
Jesse: A buck? You went down a buck?
D.J.: Okay, it's back up to 50.
Jesse: All right, my final offer: Twenty bucks.
D.J.: Twenty-one. Vanessa's waiting...

In the front room
Jesse: All right, D.J.'s moving back in.
Danny: She is? That's fantastic! What'd you do?
Jesse: I have a very special way with kids.
Danny: Uh, Jesse, hang on. Vanessa's not upstairs.
Jesse: Where's Vanessa?
Danny: Well, uh...
Stephanie: She's history.
Jesse: What did you do with Vanessa?
Danny: I didn't do anything with her. I just told her, with three little girls in the house...I thought it'd be better is she slept on the couch, and she left.
Jesse: You hate me, don't you?
Danny: D.J.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... Vanessa's gone. Deal's off. I want my money back.
Danny: What money?
D.J.: The money Uncle Jesse paid me...to move back in.
Danny: That's your special way with children. You buy them off?
Jesse: It works. Kid, money.
D.J.: Fine, I have other sources of income. I'll go back to my new room and have a garage sale.
Danny: D.J., wait. D.J. Here, take Michelle. Come with me, honey.
Jesse: Don't even think about it.

In the kitchen
Danny: D.J...honey, I can't let you have a garage sale.
D.J.: What if I give you 10 percent of the profits.
Danny: D.J., come here. Can't you just try sharing a room with your sister? Your mom was always so good at this stuff. I'd come home from work, and everything was always perfect. D.J...how would mom have handled this?
D.J.: She would've caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything I did before I did it.
Danny: What is it, honey?
D.J.: It's just not fair. First, I lose my mom; then Grandma leaves. Now, I even lose my own room. Everything keeps disappearing.
Danny: I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother...because I miss her too. Very much. But you still got me.
Stephanie: You got me, too.
Danny: You got Michelle, and you have your Uncle Jesse, and Joey. D.J., we're still a family. And now is when we really need to stick together. D.J., you and I, we go back a long time. Ten years. The 10 happiest years of my life. So look; it's up to you. Either you move back inside, or all five of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team.
D.J.: I'll move back in.
Danny: I love you, angel. You too, little ballerina.

In the front room
Jesse: Hey, Michelle. Michelle. Can you say, "Uncle Jesse"?
Michelle: Ah-ah.
Jesse: That's it. You said it. You said, "Uncle Jesse." Starting tomorrow, you use the toilet just like the rest of us.
D.J.: Good news, Uncle Jesse. Our deal's back on. It's okay. I'll put it on your tab.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Aw. Is this working out great or what? These girls are crazy about you.
Jesse: Oh, sure. I dance around and give them money.
Michelle: Uh... uh...
Jesse: Now what's the problem?
Danny: Oh, there's no problem. She's singing. Michelle loves music.
Joey: Music? I'll handle this. (singing)Ooh... Flinstones... meet the Flinstones...
Joey & Jesse: (singing)They're a modern stone-age family...
Jesse: Everybody sing along!
Everybody: (singing)From the... town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history.
Jesse: Let's take a walk.
Everybody: (singing) Let's ride... with the family down the street. Through the... courtesy of Fred's two feet...