In the front room
Let's go, Mom. Your bags are in the cab, the meter's running.
Claire Tanner: The
baby's sleeping like a baby. Oh, my angels. Oh, I'm going to miss
Danny: Honey, Grandma's gotta go.
My little sweetheart, I'm just gonna miss you so.
Grandma's really gotta go. Oh, boy, does Grandma gotta go.
Claire Tanner: Oh, you know, Danny. Danny, I don't have to
go back home.
D.J. & Stephanie: Yay!!!
Danny: Uh, Mom, this isn't how we rehearsed this last night. Let's take a little
walk, okay? Now, you know, as well as I do that...Mom...look....it's time
to go home. You've been taking care of us ever since Pamela died. I don't
know how we'd have made it the past three months without you. But, Dad
needs you too. You remember Dad, don't you? Your husband? Kind of balding
and glasses. Wears his boxer shorts up around his neck. Mom, I got everything
under control. Help is moving in today.
Well, if you need me, I'm on the next plane.
Claire Tanner: Okay.
Danny: Bye, mom.
D.J. & Stephanie: Bye.
Claire Tanner: Oh,
my angels! I love you. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Claire Tanner: Bye. Bye.
DJ & Stephanie:
Danny: Okay! Are we gonna have fun, or what? Hey, hey, hey! Let's see some smiles.
Everything is gonna work out super great. Your uncle Jesse's moving in.
My best friend Joey is moving in. And you know what? That means you two
are gonna get to be roommates. Isn't that exciting?
Stephanie: I can wear all D.J.'s clothes!
D.J.: Do I have to share my room with
Danny: Honey, it's gonna be just like having a slumber party.
D.J.: Yeah, with only one guest who never
Jesse: Hey, hey, look alive! Uncle Jesse's here!
D.J. & Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!
Jesse! All right! Hello! D.J., how you doing? That tooth come in
Jesse: That's okay. One less to
Danny: Hey, Jesse, you missed breakfast. Where have you
Jesse: I'm sorry. Last night after my gig at the Smash Club...I go for a cruise
on my Harley, right? Next thing I know, I'm in Reno . It was dark, who
would've known? Then, I happened to wander into this show, Razzle Dazzle
'87. Much better than Razzle Dazzle '86, by the way. And I see this incredible
showgirl, Vanessa, right? Our eyes meet. Ba-boom! This lightning bolt of
passion shoots across the casino. Turns out, Vanessa's on her way to the
Philippines to do a Bob Hope special...and is dying for one last night
of good old American -
Danny: Food, food! She was—She was hungry, right?
Oh yeah. She was starving. Only we never got a chance to, uh,
"eat,"...because she had to turn her feathers in.
Uncle Jesse, let's play ballerina.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't wanna play ballerina.
Stephanie: Yes, he
Jesse: No, he doesn't...
Stephanie: Yes, he
Jesse: No, he doesn't!
Jesse: How do you play ballerina?
Jesse: Okay, that was fun.
Stephanie: Here's more fun. Catch me. Pose!
Stephanie: Turn around.
Stephanie: On your tippytoes.
Stephanie: You need practice. We'll do this every day.
Danny: Oh, Joey, buddy, this is the best; your
Joey: Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing
machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes. Jesse, long time no
see. Now be honest. Did you ever think we'd end up being roommates?
Jesse: Not once.
I love this guy. Danny, there's no way all my stuff will fit into a room
Danny: Joey, this is not a tiny room. This is a large alcove. In fact, this is
a large alcove that you're living in for free.
Joey: You know, now that I take a close look at it, it's enormous... üenormous...
üenormous... We are gonna have so much fun. Aren't we, kids?
D.J.: Think we could catch Grandma at the
In Jesse's new room
Nice, huh? Roomy. Not overly masculine?
Jesse: Oh golly, it's swell. You know what would look great by the window? Barbie's
Danny: We've got one. Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and
Joey here...really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody's here who
cares about the girls. You know, they're so happy you're here. Oh, God
Jesse: You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.
Danny: I'm sorry. I'm an emotional guy.
Jesse: It's all right.
Danny: Okay, let's face it. I'm a lean, mean, hugging machine.
Jesse: Okay. Danny, listen...Pam was my big sister. And I loved her very much.
And I love your kids. And I'm happy to do what I can. Aah, you're hugging
me again. Now listen; you and me, we'll sit down. We'll set aside a special
time for hugging. But not now. Oh, great. I live in Webster's room.
In D.J. & Stephanie's new bedroom
Rule number one: Never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes.
Rule number two: Never set foot in my half of the room.
How do I get out of here?
D.J.: Easy. You jump out the
window and climb down the tree.
Stephanie: I don't think so.
D.J.: Suit yourself.
Stephanie: I'll find a way out.
Danny: Stephanie, what are you doing?
Just hanging around.
Danny: Come on, honey, get down from
Joey: All right! Limbo.
dika-laka-puka... no way.
D.J.: This is a
Danny: Uh, D.J., honey, I told you. Everything is gonna work out super great.
I'm sorry, I've gotta get down to the station. Try to watch my sports report
this afternoon. Today starts my special two-part series entitled: "Boxers
: Highly Skilled Athletes or Bullies in Shorts?"
Stephanie: Can I have a piggyback ride?
Sure, honey. Hop on. All right. Now, the baby's schedule is on the refrigerator.
You guys can handle this?
Jesse & Joey : Sure.
Jesse: We'll take care of the kid.
Stephanie: Told you I'd find a way out.
In Michelle's room
Oh, Michelle, little baby-waby. What's the matter? Uncle Jesse, what are
we gonna do?
Jesse: First, we stop talking like a munchkin.
Hey, shut up!
Joey: Wait, I'll handle this. I'm a comic. It's my nonpaying job to cheer people
up. Uh, hi, Michelle. It's me, Kermit the Frog. Now, you don't want to
cry, do you? Hi, it's me, Pee-Wee Herman. Do you wanna go to my playhouse?
Wait. She'll love it. I call it, "The Sprinkler." Tough room.
Jesse, what if she needs to be... uh... changed?
Jesse: Check it out. Go.
Joey: We have a winner. Now what?
Jesse: Joseph, put yourself in her place.
What would you want done?
Joey: I've never changed a diaper.
Jesse: Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out; I'll show you
how it's done. Come here, child. You believe this guy? All right, make
Joey: I'll take the south end.
Jesse: Good. Watch out.
Joey & Jesse:
Step one, step two, step one, step two. Step one, step two, step one,
Jesse: Okay, good. Look out. Okay, keep her
do we put the baby?
Jesse: Where do we put the
Joey: Uh, the pot. Over here.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Joey, this is a living thing. You don't just
stick it in a pot. Use a meat rack.
Joey: I'm an idiot.
Uh, come on.
Jesse: All right.
Joey: All right. Great.
Jesse: Settle down here.
There we go.
Stephanie: Are you gonna cook Michelle?
We're changing her diaper.
Stephanie: Oh, then how do you
roast a turkey?
Jesse: Steph, Joey and I are busy. Joey, strip her. All right. Careful, there.
You're in control. All right. Slide it off and... ugh! Good thinking, Joey.
Keep it fresh.
Joey: Okay, hold her up; I'll clean her off.
Jesse: Good idea. Come on, Michelle. All right. You're missing, you're missing!
You're missing! All right come on. Gently now, gently now, gently. There
we go. This is great. We should be mothers.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
right, just dry her up.
Joey: Okay, fan her. Fan her
Jesse & Joey: Fan her
Joey: You know, these babies have it made. I would kill
for this kind of service.
Jesse: All right, diapers.
Jesse: Where are the diapers?
Jesse: Bring it over. Okay, now
Joey: Okay, spin her.
Joey: Spin her.
Jesse: Spin her. All right, now, we'll wrap her up in this. Come on. Put her right
in here. It's too easy.
Joey: Works for me.
Jesse: You spill some juice on the
Just wipe it up with Baby Tidy Bottom.
bad, but next time try these.
Jesse: Steph, why did you wait
till now to give us the diapers?
Stephanie: Nobody asked
the front room
Hey guys, how'd it go today with -? Whoa! What happened? What's with all
the dirty baby clothes?
Joey: I'm sorry, but every time we fed her, she'd drool or dribble or spit up.
Jesse: Your baby's a pig.
Vanessa: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Vanessa. Have mercy. I
thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines with Bob
Vanessa: Oh, well, I am, but the airport's fogged in. So, is that offer to stay
with you anytime still good?
Jesse: Oh, it's more than good. It's... uh... amazing!
Stephanie: Hi, Uncle
Jesse. Ready for more ballerina?
Jesse: Uh... we'll play it later, okay?
Stephanie: Okay. It's later! Catch me! Pose!
Jesse: Pose! Listen; why don't you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister.
Stephanie: I can't. She moved out.
Danny: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean,
"She moved out"?
Stephanie: She's gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.
Danny: Okay. Everybody follow me.
In D.J.'s bedroom
Danny: You lost my daughter? I went to work for seven hours, and you lost 33 percent
of my children? Joey, call the police. Jesse, search the neighborhood.
I'm gonna call up D.J.'s friends.
Stephanie: And I'll go get D.J.
Stephanie: Yes, daddy?
Sweetheart, do you know where D.J. is?
Danny: Why didn't you say something sooner?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.
Danny: D.J., can I talk to you?
Kimmy, hang on. I'm talking to Kimmy Gibbler. She called me on her own
phone from her own room. She has three sisters.
Danny: D.J., you don't wanna live in the garage. It's filthy, it's stuffy--
You want some fresh air?
Danny: Donna Jo, I want you back
inside right now, this instant. Is that okay?
D.J.: No, thank
you, Dad. So, Kimmy, where were we?
Jesse: Nice job, Dad. Been reading Cosby's book?
Joey: Cosby? I'll handle this. Hello there, small childlike person. Mmha... ha...
ha... If you move back into the house, you can have a big, juicy bowl of
Jello-O. Mmha... ha... ha... ha... ha... ha.
D.J.: No, Kimmy, that's not really him. I'll call you later.
Stephanie: Daddy, the baby's crying. She's got that thirsty look in her eyes.
Danny: Okay, honey. I'll be right up. Joey, would you mind warming up the baby's
Well, not at all. Although, with this particular baby...it might be simpler
just to pour the formula directly into the diaper. Well, think about it.
Jesse: All right, D.J.'s all set and I got Vanessa'éô
upstairs waiting...so best of luck to both of you.
Danny: No, look, Jesse, look; I gotta check on the baby. Won't you stay here and
talk to D.J.? I'll be right back. You're her uncle. Try to be parental
Jesse: Parental? That's cool. I can be parental. I got parents.
D.J.: Can I help you?
Jesse: Yes. You can move your little bod back in the house. Look, D.J., I don't
blame you for wanting your own room...but you gotta understand this world
is not a perfect place. Bruce Willis has a record deal. But then a Vanessa
shows up and it all evens out. You know what I'm saying?
Jesse: Good. So you'll move back in?
All right. I'll speak the language you understand. Five bucks if you move
Jesse: A buck? You went down a buck?
Okay, it's back up to 50.
Jesse: All right, my final offer:
D.J.: Twenty-one. Vanessa's waiting...
In the front
Jesse: All right, D.J.'s moving back in.
Danny: She is? That's fantastic! What'd you do?
I have a very special way with kids.
Danny: Uh, Jesse, hang on. Vanessa's not upstairs.
Jesse: Where's Vanessa?
Stephanie: She's history.
did you do with Vanessa?
Danny: I didn't do anything with her. I just told her, with three little girls
in the house...I thought it'd be better is she slept on the couch, and
Jesse: You hate me, don't you?
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... Vanessa's gone. Deal's
off. I want my money back.
Danny: What money?
D.J.: The money Uncle
Jesse paid me...to move back in.
Danny: That's your special way with children. You buy them off?
Jesse: It works. Kid,
D.J.: Fine, I have other sources of income. I'll go back to my new room and have
a garage sale.
Danny: D.J., wait. D.J.
Here, take Michelle. Come with me, honey.
Jesse: Don't even think about it.
Danny: D.J...honey, I can't let you have a garage sale.
D.J.: What if I give you 10 percent of the
Danny: D.J., come here. Can't you just try sharing a room with your sister? Your
mom was always so good at this stuff. I'd come home from work, and everything
was always perfect. D.J...how would mom have handled this?
D.J.: She would've caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything
I did before I did it.
What is it, honey?
D.J.: It's just not fair. First, I lose my mom; then Grandma leaves. Now, I even
lose my own room. Everything keeps disappearing.
Danny: I know exactly how you feel. And I
know how much you girls miss your mother...because I miss her too. Very
much. But you still got me.
Stephanie: You got me,
Danny: You got Michelle, and you have your Uncle Jesse, and Joey. D.J., we're
still a family. And now is when we really need to stick together. D.J.,
you and I, we go back a long time. Ten years. The 10 happiest years of
my life. So look; it's up to you. Either you move back inside, or all five
of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team.
D.J.: I'll move back in.
love you, angel. You too, little ballerina.
In the front
Jesse: Hey, Michelle. Michelle. Can you say,
Jesse: That's it. You said it. You said, "Uncle Jesse." Starting tomorrow,
you use the toilet just like the rest of us.
D.J.: Good news, Uncle Jesse. Our deal's back on. It's okay. I'll put it on your
Danny: Aw. Is this working out great or what? These girls
are crazy about you.
Jesse: Oh, sure. I dance around and give
Michelle: Uh... uh...
Jesse: Now what's the problem?
Danny: Oh, there's no problem. She's singing. Michelle loves music.
Joey: Music? I'll handle this. (singing)Ooh... Flinstones... meet the Flinstones...
& Jesse: (singing)They're a modern stone-age family...
Jesse: Everybody sing along!
(singing)From the... town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history.
Jesse: Let's take a walk.
(singing) Let's ride... with the family down the street. Through the... courtesy
of Fred's two feet...